(An excerpt from "Positive and Negative Emotions in Marriage" by Rick Wilkes)
In Gottman’s studies (John Gottman has been studying relationships for the past 20+ years), found that of
all the different emotions that play a role in marital success and failure, there are just four that are the
most predictive. They are:
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Criticism
- Contempt
Even within the Four Horsemen, in fact, there is one emotion that he considers the most important of all:
Contempt!
Gottman says:
“You would think that criticism would be the worst, because criticism is a global condemnation of a
person’s character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. With criticism I might say
to my wife, ‘You never listen, you are really selfish and insensitive.’ Well, she’s going to respond
defensively to that. That is not very good for our problem solving and interaction. But if I speak from
a superior plane, that’s far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a
higher level. A lot of time it’s an insult: ‘You are a bitch. You’re scum.’ It’s trying to put that person
on a lower plane than you. It’s hierarchical."
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